Well Miss Holly has been going to Day Care now for almost 2 months. She just loves it. I can't believe how much she has changed since she's been going there. Her development is racing along leaps and bounds. Everyday she comes home she tells me, in her babble, all the exciting things she has done during the day.
Have had some friends ask me why she is in Day Care when I don't work. I too struggled with the same question, but I know that I have made the right decision for her. Living on a dairy farm you can sometimes feel isolated. I want her to grow up with as many friends as possible. I have seen what living on a farm has done to Farmer Brown and his brother. Let me put it this way...Farmer Brown's brother is now 44 and still lives at home with his mum and dad!
I am coming off two nights shifts at the beginning of each week so with Miss Holly being away at Day Care allows me to catch up, on my sleep. Before when she was home with me, I was only able to nap when she did so I never really had quality sleep or be able to catch up properly. Another blessing of Day Care!
I think that it is very important for little ones to socialised and I definately want this for Miss Holly. She just loves being around other people, young or old. As she started at the Day Care on the second day it was open, she will grow up with the other kids there. Making life long friends thus having mates not only now but as they move onto school etc.
The other thing that I really love about Day Care is that they do so much extra stuff with the kids that I wouldn't think about. I do plenty with Miss Holly at home but it is great that she is doing different stuff each day she is there with them. I get a real kick out of seeing all her arts and craft work up on the walls when I go into collect her.
She is more than happy to be dropped off for the three days a week that she attends. When she goes back after the weekend she calls out and waves to her little mates when she enters the centre. It's almost like she is saying "Hey bitches, I'm back!". She is such a hoot.
So I guess that even though there maybe some out there who don't like Day Care and think that Mums should look after their own kids, I don't care! I LOVE Day Care and what it represents!
Wednesday, December 4, 2013
Sunday, October 13, 2013
First Bithday Party!
After turning the big 1 on Wednesday we had her birthday party yesterday (Saturday) at our place, down on the farm!
At first I thought it was going to be a crap day in the weather department. I woke to the sound of thunder rumbling around the place, wind rushing through the trees and rain against the window! Great day for a party!! Anyway the weather gods decided to shine on our party day because as the day got further along the sun came out to play! It was a little windy at times, but kids will be kids and a little wind and rain never stopped any of them haha!
We got Miss Holly at swing set for her birthday and I spent two hours constructing the bloody thing on Thursday afternoon! It was put through its paces yesterday with all the kids having heaps of fun playing, swinging and hanging from it! I remember briefly yelling out a disclaimer just in case anyone fell off it haha. Considering we had 3 Paramedics and 3 EMT's present I don't think I had to worry too much if I needed to call for help haha!
Miss Holly had the best day. She wore her new party dress that her Nanny got her from the big ole USA! Nanny also made Miss Holly her birthday cake. She did a fantastic job of it, and everyone loved it as there was not too much left haha! Always the sign of a great cake.
It was really nice to have everyone at our place for a change. Normally we travel to the Big Smoke for family stuff. You would think that we live on another planet the way some people carry on about travelling our way! Funny as most of them mentioned that it wasn't that hard or difficult to find. We only live in Otorohanga not Timbucktoo people!
Miss Holly got great presents. Lots of toys and new clothes to wear. I think that Farmer Brown and I had just as much fun playing with them. I know that I sure had fun "helping" Miss Holly to open them. Man I wish I was 1 again!
So the next big party on the calendar is my 40th at the end of November. Now I have Miss Hollys party done and dusted it is time to put my party planning hat back on again and get the underway!
Wednesday, October 9, 2013
Happy First Birthday Baby Girl!!
So one whole year since Miss Holly was born. Sometimes it seems just like yesterday she was born and other times it seems like she has been with us for years.
She is such an amazing little girl, but I guess all mothers say that about their children haha! It has been a big learning experience thats for sure. I don't think we can ever be truely prepared for the arrival of a new born baby. We think we are but really if we are truely honest I think we all just make it up as we go! You soon learn that little ones don't like to be "fitted" into boxes. I am pretty flexible with Miss Holly. If she is tired she goes to bed, if she isn't she stays up. If she is hungry I feed her, if she isn't that fine too. I let her set the pace and that seems to have worked for me so far.
Anyway this morning was a big day in our house. I loved going into Hollys room this morning and singing Happy Birthday to her on her first birthday. She smiled and clapped at me. I am sure she was thinking something like "oh for goodness sake Mum you are such and idiot". But I don't care because I love her and its a mothers job to be an idiot infront of her children haha!
We waited for Farmer Brown to come in from milking so that she could open her presents. She had such fun ripping open parcels to discover what she had been given. Her Nanny, Grandad and Uncle Scott came down after breakfast to celebrate with us too. Man she is one very lucky little girl. She got spoilt rotten with so many gifts.
And just when we thought today couldn't get any better...this evening she stood on her own without holding onto anything for the first time! She is so close to walking now. Each day I try to encourage her to do it, but I know that she will do it in her own time. Would be cool if she was walking before her party but no pressure haha!
This evening we were able to have a Video Skype with Uncle Balls and Aunty Atsuko in Melbourne so that they too could share in Miss Holly's big day. A large box of goodies arrived from them yesterday. Man they spoil her too. She is a very very luck little girl. It was so great to catch up with them, even if it was for a short time. She laughed, played, clapped and smiled her way through the conversation.
We are having a big party for Miss Holly on Saturday. Family and friends coming from all over the place. We are just hoping for good weather at the moment as it looks like it might be raining and that would not be good. Either way we will have an amazing day.
After a big day of lots of fun and excitement Miss Holly went off to bed without a beep.
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| Holly born 09 October 2012, 3 hours old |
Anyway this morning was a big day in our house. I loved going into Hollys room this morning and singing Happy Birthday to her on her first birthday. She smiled and clapped at me. I am sure she was thinking something like "oh for goodness sake Mum you are such and idiot". But I don't care because I love her and its a mothers job to be an idiot infront of her children haha!
We waited for Farmer Brown to come in from milking so that she could open her presents. She had such fun ripping open parcels to discover what she had been given. Her Nanny, Grandad and Uncle Scott came down after breakfast to celebrate with us too. Man she is one very lucky little girl. She got spoilt rotten with so many gifts.
And just when we thought today couldn't get any better...this evening she stood on her own without holding onto anything for the first time! She is so close to walking now. Each day I try to encourage her to do it, but I know that she will do it in her own time. Would be cool if she was walking before her party but no pressure haha!
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| Holly on her First Birthday! My big baby girl. |
We are having a big party for Miss Holly on Saturday. Family and friends coming from all over the place. We are just hoping for good weather at the moment as it looks like it might be raining and that would not be good. Either way we will have an amazing day.
After a big day of lots of fun and excitement Miss Holly went off to bed without a beep.
Monday, October 7, 2013
The Joys of Living with Someone Who has Bi Polar
So today is one of those days where I just wish I could shut the door and tell everyone to Feek Off and leave me the hell alone.
I don't often speak out about Farmer Brown having Bi Polar. However of late you may have noticed that things have been amping up again. I have found in the past that when I have things going around and around in my head the best way to deal with them is to write them down and then things seem to settle down a bit for me.
First of all I want to stress how much I do love Farmer Brown. He told me about his Bi Polar on our second date. I knew what I was taking on when I met him. Lord know I have dark demons in my past too and he was happy for take me on warts and all too. Love you Farmer Brown. I want to help him so much. I am trying to be careful of not overloading him with information. I don't want to push him over the edge. But if he wants change then he needs to take the action.
He will be attending the 3rd counselling session on Wednesday this week. I ask him how things are going and says "fine". I understand if he doesn't want to tell me but I do want him to know that I am interested in what he is doing. He told me he has homework to do each week. He has been asked to write in a notebook each day 3 things that he has achieved. Last week he came home and said this week he has to come up with 3 long term goals. I asked him if he thinks the counselling is helping and he said he thinks so.
We have just finished the 2nd weekend of weekends off. It was our turn to milk while Farmer Brown's brother had the weekend off. I milk Fri/Sat/Sun afternoons and we have a relief milker Sat/Sun mornings. Farmer Brown has to get up earlier than usual as he has to get the cows out of the paddock, get fences sorted and put some feed out in the feed pad before the relief milker turns up at 5am. Like I said this is only the 2nd weekend of doing this and already he is struggling with the tiredness.
I just don't know the answer anymore. We talk about solutions to the problems that he faces and he agrees with what we talk about but he never seems to want to act on any of them. I know this is hard for him to do as it would mean that there would possibly be some massive changes for him to make. But unfortunately change does have to happen sometimes inorder for things to get better. I guess you really need to ask how much you really want to get out of the situation you find yourself in.
We talk about leaving the farm and getting new jobs in town. This would mean that we would loose the house we currently live in as it would go to the farm worker who would take his place. He gets all excited about looking at buying a house. Checking out what we can afford to buy and how we would pay for it. We look through the papers, do drive buys etc but we never get to the Open Homes or anything further than that. Then the conversation turns back around to comments like "its's just too hard" or "how am I going to find another job at my age" or "how can we afford to buy a house and live away from the farm" etc.
I have been trying to get him to come up with solutions. To be quite honest I am sick of having to make all the decisions around here. I will ask a question like this: "So what do you feel like for dinner? I am happy to cook anything you want". Reply: "Oh just whatever you want". My reply: "Cool peanut butter on toast it is then". That normally envokes a reaction of some sort.
Anyway while we were milking yesterday I came up with a plan. Well my latest plan for our family anyway. A plan that would mean that we wouldn't have to leave the farm or by a house. I suggested that I take over the farm work. I did work for a year on the farm as a labourer so I know how to do most things that Farmer Brown does. Anything I don't know I am sure that I can be taught and shown what to do. Then he could get a job down town. Maybe at RD1 or PPG Wrightsons or with the Vet or the Supermarket or the Petrol Station, his imagination is his limitation. All he has to do is look.
This would mean that he could get away from here, which seems to some of the problem. He would be able to work shorter hours and maybe not even work on the weekends. If we were on 2 incomes then we would be able to put Holly into daycare fulltime, so that is her sorted out. Farmer Brown's family can step in and help out too as far as I am concerned. It would mean that I may have to give up or take a leave of absence from the Ambulance work. I am willing to do this for the sake of my family. Family is about sacrifice, I can deal with that.
So we will wait and see what comes of this latest plan. I have sown the seed. He is the one who doesn't like the way things are so now it is up to him to help himself. So far all I have heard today is how tired he is, how Grandad (his father) is moaning and complaing about things that need to be done on the farm. Bla bla bla same shit different day!
Hence my first comment of: Feek off everyone and leave me the hell alone!
There is other stuff going on at the moment, but am saving that for another post!
I don't often speak out about Farmer Brown having Bi Polar. However of late you may have noticed that things have been amping up again. I have found in the past that when I have things going around and around in my head the best way to deal with them is to write them down and then things seem to settle down a bit for me.
First of all I want to stress how much I do love Farmer Brown. He told me about his Bi Polar on our second date. I knew what I was taking on when I met him. Lord know I have dark demons in my past too and he was happy for take me on warts and all too. Love you Farmer Brown. I want to help him so much. I am trying to be careful of not overloading him with information. I don't want to push him over the edge. But if he wants change then he needs to take the action.
He will be attending the 3rd counselling session on Wednesday this week. I ask him how things are going and says "fine". I understand if he doesn't want to tell me but I do want him to know that I am interested in what he is doing. He told me he has homework to do each week. He has been asked to write in a notebook each day 3 things that he has achieved. Last week he came home and said this week he has to come up with 3 long term goals. I asked him if he thinks the counselling is helping and he said he thinks so.
We have just finished the 2nd weekend of weekends off. It was our turn to milk while Farmer Brown's brother had the weekend off. I milk Fri/Sat/Sun afternoons and we have a relief milker Sat/Sun mornings. Farmer Brown has to get up earlier than usual as he has to get the cows out of the paddock, get fences sorted and put some feed out in the feed pad before the relief milker turns up at 5am. Like I said this is only the 2nd weekend of doing this and already he is struggling with the tiredness.
I just don't know the answer anymore. We talk about solutions to the problems that he faces and he agrees with what we talk about but he never seems to want to act on any of them. I know this is hard for him to do as it would mean that there would possibly be some massive changes for him to make. But unfortunately change does have to happen sometimes inorder for things to get better. I guess you really need to ask how much you really want to get out of the situation you find yourself in.
We talk about leaving the farm and getting new jobs in town. This would mean that we would loose the house we currently live in as it would go to the farm worker who would take his place. He gets all excited about looking at buying a house. Checking out what we can afford to buy and how we would pay for it. We look through the papers, do drive buys etc but we never get to the Open Homes or anything further than that. Then the conversation turns back around to comments like "its's just too hard" or "how am I going to find another job at my age" or "how can we afford to buy a house and live away from the farm" etc.
I have been trying to get him to come up with solutions. To be quite honest I am sick of having to make all the decisions around here. I will ask a question like this: "So what do you feel like for dinner? I am happy to cook anything you want". Reply: "Oh just whatever you want". My reply: "Cool peanut butter on toast it is then". That normally envokes a reaction of some sort.
Anyway while we were milking yesterday I came up with a plan. Well my latest plan for our family anyway. A plan that would mean that we wouldn't have to leave the farm or by a house. I suggested that I take over the farm work. I did work for a year on the farm as a labourer so I know how to do most things that Farmer Brown does. Anything I don't know I am sure that I can be taught and shown what to do. Then he could get a job down town. Maybe at RD1 or PPG Wrightsons or with the Vet or the Supermarket or the Petrol Station, his imagination is his limitation. All he has to do is look.
This would mean that he could get away from here, which seems to some of the problem. He would be able to work shorter hours and maybe not even work on the weekends. If we were on 2 incomes then we would be able to put Holly into daycare fulltime, so that is her sorted out. Farmer Brown's family can step in and help out too as far as I am concerned. It would mean that I may have to give up or take a leave of absence from the Ambulance work. I am willing to do this for the sake of my family. Family is about sacrifice, I can deal with that.
So we will wait and see what comes of this latest plan. I have sown the seed. He is the one who doesn't like the way things are so now it is up to him to help himself. So far all I have heard today is how tired he is, how Grandad (his father) is moaning and complaing about things that need to be done on the farm. Bla bla bla same shit different day!
Hence my first comment of: Feek off everyone and leave me the hell alone!
There is other stuff going on at the moment, but am saving that for another post!
Wednesday, September 25, 2013
The First Counselling Session...
So a follow up from the last post...
Farmer Brown and I went to the Big Smoke yesterday and we had a big chat on way through. I really don't think he gets where I am coming from with our current situation. He is only seeing it from how it has been effecting him.
For example he has now on at least 3 occasions mentioned that Baby Girl is "just another spanner in the works" for him. I see it as "another challenge" for us to in our new family. I don't like that he feels like this and has started to verbalise it as so. I am actually really offended to be honest. He sees his daughter as a "spanner in the works"?! Its not like he is looking after 7 days a week. He just carries on his day to day routine like nothing has changed since we had her. I would really like to see him do a week in my shoes!
He had his first appointment with the Counsellor this morning. He came in a reasonable mood from his appointment. He has been given homework to do each day. He has to write down in a notebook 3 things that he has achieved during the day. He said that she didn't give him any guidelines or suggestions on what sort of this he is to achieve. Will be interesting to see what he writes down.
I asked what they had talked about. He said he went over his story from woe to go. Talked about how his Dad winds him up as does the farm. That his daughter was another spanner in the works to deal with. That I get stressed having to look after her 7 days a week, that she is going into daycare soon.
You know its really funny as most of the things that she has suggested he do are things that I have suggested to him in the past. He has never taken any of it onboard. Hopefully now because it has come from a professional he will take it on board.
I find myself now fighting my own old demons from a past long ago. I feel quite overwhelmed some days. I feel like I am failing as a mother and a wife as my husband thinks that our daughter is a spanner in the works, that I don't have dinner cooked and served to him every night, that I don't look after our daughter well enough so that he isn't so stressed all the time etc.
I know in my mind that these things are not true and that I am doing the best that I can under the circumstances. I have fought hard to get my life on track and I am not going to let this get me down. I am doing the best I can to look after my unwell husband, look after, educate and bring up our little girl on my own and continue to do the things that I enjoy like my Volunteer Ambulance work.
I draw strength from those around me who are great influences. You know who you are my people!
Farmer Brown and I went to the Big Smoke yesterday and we had a big chat on way through. I really don't think he gets where I am coming from with our current situation. He is only seeing it from how it has been effecting him.
For example he has now on at least 3 occasions mentioned that Baby Girl is "just another spanner in the works" for him. I see it as "another challenge" for us to in our new family. I don't like that he feels like this and has started to verbalise it as so. I am actually really offended to be honest. He sees his daughter as a "spanner in the works"?! Its not like he is looking after 7 days a week. He just carries on his day to day routine like nothing has changed since we had her. I would really like to see him do a week in my shoes!
He had his first appointment with the Counsellor this morning. He came in a reasonable mood from his appointment. He has been given homework to do each day. He has to write down in a notebook 3 things that he has achieved during the day. He said that she didn't give him any guidelines or suggestions on what sort of this he is to achieve. Will be interesting to see what he writes down.
I asked what they had talked about. He said he went over his story from woe to go. Talked about how his Dad winds him up as does the farm. That his daughter was another spanner in the works to deal with. That I get stressed having to look after her 7 days a week, that she is going into daycare soon.
You know its really funny as most of the things that she has suggested he do are things that I have suggested to him in the past. He has never taken any of it onboard. Hopefully now because it has come from a professional he will take it on board.
I find myself now fighting my own old demons from a past long ago. I feel quite overwhelmed some days. I feel like I am failing as a mother and a wife as my husband thinks that our daughter is a spanner in the works, that I don't have dinner cooked and served to him every night, that I don't look after our daughter well enough so that he isn't so stressed all the time etc.
I know in my mind that these things are not true and that I am doing the best that I can under the circumstances. I have fought hard to get my life on track and I am not going to let this get me down. I am doing the best I can to look after my unwell husband, look after, educate and bring up our little girl on my own and continue to do the things that I enjoy like my Volunteer Ambulance work.
I draw strength from those around me who are great influences. You know who you are my people!
Monday, September 23, 2013
So my husband says to me "I want to kill myself!"...
Well what that hell was I supposed to do with that piece of information! This would be the third time in about six months that he has said this to me.
Now my husband does have Bi Polar and is on good medication that generally works really well for him. He has an injection of medication once a month that is slow releasing. Sometimes I notice that his mood seems to dip in that last week of the month but its normally no biggy as he is due for his next injection in a day or so and life returns to normal. He seems to go through these boughts of deep depression every 2-3 months.
We live and work on his parents dairy farm. Farming is a very demanding job as you work 7 days a week and up to 14 hours a day. Now during calving season (which we have just finished) we have no time off for 2 months until calving is almost done and dusted. So as you can imagine it can be rather stressful for all of us.
When these periods of deep depression come around I am normally able to build him up and help him cope and see a way out of the current situation. We have even talked about leaving the farm and getting work in town.
We of course had our first child last year. She will be 1 year old next month. Now this is just another set of challenges to have to deal with. I am a stay at home mum with our little one, but she will be going to day care around her birthday next month. I know that this has caused stress to both of us at times as having a first child does. I mean to say then don't come with an instruction manual! I of course have taken the lead in looking after our baby girl. I work hard at trying to make sure that life carries on as normal for Farmer Brown and that he has opportunity to sleep during the day when he comes in for his breaks, make sure that he has meals when he is hungry and that he has a good nights sleep.
Unfortunately this time I had had enough. I have been pretty much coping on my own, with help from 1 or 2 close friends. It feels like I am bringing up 2 children. My baby girl and my Farmer Brown.
I was really angry when he told me he wanted to kill himself. Especially when the night before he had been looking after our little girl while was on night shift (I am a Volunteer Ambulance Officer). Immediately my concern was for the safety of our little girl. Could I trust him to look after her? Would he do anything to hurt her? Would I have to give up my volunteer work?
Don't worry I did check to make sure he was safe too! But my baby girl comes first now. She is little and can't defend or look after herself, she needs me to be that for her. Over the next couple of days his mood was crap. He said he had been up to "talk" to his Mum about things. I asked if he had told her that he wanted to kill himself and he said sort of. What the hell? You either do or don't. There is no middle ground on this.
I decided to take matters into my own hands again. I rang my GP and made an appointment to seek advice on what to do with Farmer Brown. I went up to see my mother inlaw and put her in the picture. She didn't know that he wanted to kill himself. All he had said to her (he was picking up baby girl from his Mums as I was on night shift) was that he was tired and that there was no dinner ready for him when he came in from milking! FUCK ME! I am sorry to say but at that moment I wanted to kill him myself! My mother inlaw is fantastic, don't get me wrong. She does however have a strong grip on the apron strings with her boys. Let me put it this way...her 44 year old other son is still living at home! I told her what was really going on and she was to put it mildly - shocked. She had no idea what had been going on for the past 6 months or so.
My GP was fantastic and suggested that Farmer Brown make an appointment with her as she has training in psycology and that she should be able to get him some extra help. We had an appointment for the next day, which I attended also. She was brilliant. He felt that she listened to him and gave him suggestions that he thought would be great. She referred him back to Community Mental Health and also gave him 6 free sessions at our local Counselling Centre down town.
This appointment happened to fall on our first weekend off in 2 months, which was great timing. He had a great weekend, shopping, eating out, watching dvds and even some time to himself for a bit. Things have been pretty good for the past 2 weeks, but man it has taken its toll on me thats for sure.
The appointment with Mental Health was today. I was supposed to go with him, but baby girl had other plans and so I had to stay home with her and he went on his own. This of course wouldn't do him any harm. Didn't help that I was having a bad day of my own and was in a grumpy mood.
The appointment sort of back fired on me. The lovely people at Mental Health said it would be great for him to have more time to himself when he gets in those deep depressive periods. For fucks sake, I look after baby girl enough on my own without him needing to have more time on his own! What about me? Don't mean to be selfish and make it all about me but really people WTF? They told him that every job has its ups and downs and that he needs to learn ways to cope with it when it happens. Of course this is just he version of the appointment so I don't know how accurate all of this new information is. He has his first counselling session on Wednesday. Will be interesting to see what they have to say.
I am just over it. Everyone is making sure that he is okay and looked after. I however just continue to struggle on by myself. Like I said I have a fantastic friend who is about the only one who has been keeping an eye on me and baby girl and making sure that we are doing okay.
I really want him to take some action and sort some of this shit out. We have come up with strategies before but he never carries them out. Mother inlaw always manages to turn him back to staying on the farm with a little bit of emotional blackmail to nail the point home. I don't think he realised how lucky he is or how sweet he has it. Since we had baby it seems like his life had just carried on like before we had her and mine has changed dramatically.
I know we will be sweet in the end. I want him to own his problems and try to do something about about it instead of hiding behind others and making rash statements like him wanting to kill himself. This is so stressfull to deal with. I see people at the wrong end of statements like that in my Ambulance work. Quite frankly I don't want to come home to find a dead body! I don't think he would do it, but how do you really know?! He tells me that he won't kill himself, but do I believe him? Like I said it is not the first time but the third time he has said that to me.
Will keep chugging along and doing what I do. I will be interested to see how the appointment with the counsellor goes on Wednesday :)
Now my husband does have Bi Polar and is on good medication that generally works really well for him. He has an injection of medication once a month that is slow releasing. Sometimes I notice that his mood seems to dip in that last week of the month but its normally no biggy as he is due for his next injection in a day or so and life returns to normal. He seems to go through these boughts of deep depression every 2-3 months.
We live and work on his parents dairy farm. Farming is a very demanding job as you work 7 days a week and up to 14 hours a day. Now during calving season (which we have just finished) we have no time off for 2 months until calving is almost done and dusted. So as you can imagine it can be rather stressful for all of us.
When these periods of deep depression come around I am normally able to build him up and help him cope and see a way out of the current situation. We have even talked about leaving the farm and getting work in town.
We of course had our first child last year. She will be 1 year old next month. Now this is just another set of challenges to have to deal with. I am a stay at home mum with our little one, but she will be going to day care around her birthday next month. I know that this has caused stress to both of us at times as having a first child does. I mean to say then don't come with an instruction manual! I of course have taken the lead in looking after our baby girl. I work hard at trying to make sure that life carries on as normal for Farmer Brown and that he has opportunity to sleep during the day when he comes in for his breaks, make sure that he has meals when he is hungry and that he has a good nights sleep.
Unfortunately this time I had had enough. I have been pretty much coping on my own, with help from 1 or 2 close friends. It feels like I am bringing up 2 children. My baby girl and my Farmer Brown.
I was really angry when he told me he wanted to kill himself. Especially when the night before he had been looking after our little girl while was on night shift (I am a Volunteer Ambulance Officer). Immediately my concern was for the safety of our little girl. Could I trust him to look after her? Would he do anything to hurt her? Would I have to give up my volunteer work?
Don't worry I did check to make sure he was safe too! But my baby girl comes first now. She is little and can't defend or look after herself, she needs me to be that for her. Over the next couple of days his mood was crap. He said he had been up to "talk" to his Mum about things. I asked if he had told her that he wanted to kill himself and he said sort of. What the hell? You either do or don't. There is no middle ground on this.
I decided to take matters into my own hands again. I rang my GP and made an appointment to seek advice on what to do with Farmer Brown. I went up to see my mother inlaw and put her in the picture. She didn't know that he wanted to kill himself. All he had said to her (he was picking up baby girl from his Mums as I was on night shift) was that he was tired and that there was no dinner ready for him when he came in from milking! FUCK ME! I am sorry to say but at that moment I wanted to kill him myself! My mother inlaw is fantastic, don't get me wrong. She does however have a strong grip on the apron strings with her boys. Let me put it this way...her 44 year old other son is still living at home! I told her what was really going on and she was to put it mildly - shocked. She had no idea what had been going on for the past 6 months or so.
My GP was fantastic and suggested that Farmer Brown make an appointment with her as she has training in psycology and that she should be able to get him some extra help. We had an appointment for the next day, which I attended also. She was brilliant. He felt that she listened to him and gave him suggestions that he thought would be great. She referred him back to Community Mental Health and also gave him 6 free sessions at our local Counselling Centre down town.
This appointment happened to fall on our first weekend off in 2 months, which was great timing. He had a great weekend, shopping, eating out, watching dvds and even some time to himself for a bit. Things have been pretty good for the past 2 weeks, but man it has taken its toll on me thats for sure.
The appointment with Mental Health was today. I was supposed to go with him, but baby girl had other plans and so I had to stay home with her and he went on his own. This of course wouldn't do him any harm. Didn't help that I was having a bad day of my own and was in a grumpy mood.
The appointment sort of back fired on me. The lovely people at Mental Health said it would be great for him to have more time to himself when he gets in those deep depressive periods. For fucks sake, I look after baby girl enough on my own without him needing to have more time on his own! What about me? Don't mean to be selfish and make it all about me but really people WTF? They told him that every job has its ups and downs and that he needs to learn ways to cope with it when it happens. Of course this is just he version of the appointment so I don't know how accurate all of this new information is. He has his first counselling session on Wednesday. Will be interesting to see what they have to say.
I am just over it. Everyone is making sure that he is okay and looked after. I however just continue to struggle on by myself. Like I said I have a fantastic friend who is about the only one who has been keeping an eye on me and baby girl and making sure that we are doing okay.
I really want him to take some action and sort some of this shit out. We have come up with strategies before but he never carries them out. Mother inlaw always manages to turn him back to staying on the farm with a little bit of emotional blackmail to nail the point home. I don't think he realised how lucky he is or how sweet he has it. Since we had baby it seems like his life had just carried on like before we had her and mine has changed dramatically.
I know we will be sweet in the end. I want him to own his problems and try to do something about about it instead of hiding behind others and making rash statements like him wanting to kill himself. This is so stressfull to deal with. I see people at the wrong end of statements like that in my Ambulance work. Quite frankly I don't want to come home to find a dead body! I don't think he would do it, but how do you really know?! He tells me that he won't kill himself, but do I believe him? Like I said it is not the first time but the third time he has said that to me.
Will keep chugging along and doing what I do. I will be interested to see how the appointment with the counsellor goes on Wednesday :)
Friday, August 16, 2013
So many new changes
So I just can not believe how much Miss Holly is changing at the moment. She is now 10 months old and rocking this world!
She is now crawling and loving getting around faster. It was so much fun watching her take her first tentative creepy crawly paces. She motors around the place now and am sure that it will not be long before she is up on her two little legs testing them out too!
Not to be content with being an amazing little person who now is crawling within the 5 days she was already starting to pull herself up on things! I remember the first time I walked into her room to get her out of bed and there she was looking at me over the top of the rail on her cot! She even waved at me as if to "oh hi Mum, check me out. I am just hanging out in here waiting for you to come get me!". She is such a hoot - I love that little critter!
Today we had an action packed day. Firstly an ambulance friend and her little boy came down to the farm to check out our calves. They had such a great time and we really enjoyed having them here. It was a bit of a windy day, but we enjoyed the walk from our house down to the calf sheds.
Once they had departed we were off to Hamilton to catch up with a friend that I have not seen for 15 years! I know, I did say 15 years! My friend, her husband and her fabulously adorable 3 kids are over here for a flying from the USA. I was so grateful that they were able to fit us into their busy schedule. It may have been 15 years since we last saw each other, but you would think that it was only a couple of days by the way the conversation flowed so easily. Her kids loves Holly and it was great to watch them all play and laugh together.
Everyday we look forward to the "new trick" that Holly will show us. She is a bundle of energy and loving her little life to the max. Have been watching her this evening trying to get her feet underneath her so that she can pull herself up to standing. In the mean time I am content to see her kneeling up against things! She has had a couple of falls, but that is to be expected. She will learn not to be so cocky and to slow down a little bit haha!
We look forward to what ever it is that she is going to share with us next!
She is now crawling and loving getting around faster. It was so much fun watching her take her first tentative creepy crawly paces. She motors around the place now and am sure that it will not be long before she is up on her two little legs testing them out too!
Not to be content with being an amazing little person who now is crawling within the 5 days she was already starting to pull herself up on things! I remember the first time I walked into her room to get her out of bed and there she was looking at me over the top of the rail on her cot! She even waved at me as if to "oh hi Mum, check me out. I am just hanging out in here waiting for you to come get me!". She is such a hoot - I love that little critter!
Today we had an action packed day. Firstly an ambulance friend and her little boy came down to the farm to check out our calves. They had such a great time and we really enjoyed having them here. It was a bit of a windy day, but we enjoyed the walk from our house down to the calf sheds.
Once they had departed we were off to Hamilton to catch up with a friend that I have not seen for 15 years! I know, I did say 15 years! My friend, her husband and her fabulously adorable 3 kids are over here for a flying from the USA. I was so grateful that they were able to fit us into their busy schedule. It may have been 15 years since we last saw each other, but you would think that it was only a couple of days by the way the conversation flowed so easily. Her kids loves Holly and it was great to watch them all play and laugh together.
Everyday we look forward to the "new trick" that Holly will show us. She is a bundle of energy and loving her little life to the max. Have been watching her this evening trying to get her feet underneath her so that she can pull herself up to standing. In the mean time I am content to see her kneeling up against things! She has had a couple of falls, but that is to be expected. She will learn not to be so cocky and to slow down a little bit haha!
We look forward to what ever it is that she is going to share with us next!
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