So a follow up from the last post...
Farmer Brown and I went to the Big Smoke yesterday and we had a big chat on way through. I really don't think he gets where I am coming from with our current situation. He is only seeing it from how it has been effecting him.
For example he has now on at least 3 occasions mentioned that Baby Girl is "just another spanner in the works" for him. I see it as "another challenge" for us to in our new family. I don't like that he feels like this and has started to verbalise it as so. I am actually really offended to be honest. He sees his daughter as a "spanner in the works"?! Its not like he is looking after 7 days a week. He just carries on his day to day routine like nothing has changed since we had her. I would really like to see him do a week in my shoes!
He had his first appointment with the Counsellor this morning. He came in a reasonable mood from his appointment. He has been given homework to do each day. He has to write down in a notebook 3 things that he has achieved during the day. He said that she didn't give him any guidelines or suggestions on what sort of this he is to achieve. Will be interesting to see what he writes down.
I asked what they had talked about. He said he went over his story from woe to go. Talked about how his Dad winds him up as does the farm. That his daughter was another spanner in the works to deal with. That I get stressed having to look after her 7 days a week, that she is going into daycare soon.
You know its really funny as most of the things that she has suggested he do are things that I have suggested to him in the past. He has never taken any of it onboard. Hopefully now because it has come from a professional he will take it on board.
I find myself now fighting my own old demons from a past long ago. I feel quite overwhelmed some days. I feel like I am failing as a mother and a wife as my husband thinks that our daughter is a spanner in the works, that I don't have dinner cooked and served to him every night, that I don't look after our daughter well enough so that he isn't so stressed all the time etc.
I know in my mind that these things are not true and that I am doing the best that I can under the circumstances. I have fought hard to get my life on track and I am not going to let this get me down. I am doing the best I can to look after my unwell husband, look after, educate and bring up our little girl on my own and continue to do the things that I enjoy like my Volunteer Ambulance work.
I draw strength from those around me who are great influences. You know who you are my people!
Wednesday, September 25, 2013
Monday, September 23, 2013
So my husband says to me "I want to kill myself!"...
Well what that hell was I supposed to do with that piece of information! This would be the third time in about six months that he has said this to me.
Now my husband does have Bi Polar and is on good medication that generally works really well for him. He has an injection of medication once a month that is slow releasing. Sometimes I notice that his mood seems to dip in that last week of the month but its normally no biggy as he is due for his next injection in a day or so and life returns to normal. He seems to go through these boughts of deep depression every 2-3 months.
We live and work on his parents dairy farm. Farming is a very demanding job as you work 7 days a week and up to 14 hours a day. Now during calving season (which we have just finished) we have no time off for 2 months until calving is almost done and dusted. So as you can imagine it can be rather stressful for all of us.
When these periods of deep depression come around I am normally able to build him up and help him cope and see a way out of the current situation. We have even talked about leaving the farm and getting work in town.
We of course had our first child last year. She will be 1 year old next month. Now this is just another set of challenges to have to deal with. I am a stay at home mum with our little one, but she will be going to day care around her birthday next month. I know that this has caused stress to both of us at times as having a first child does. I mean to say then don't come with an instruction manual! I of course have taken the lead in looking after our baby girl. I work hard at trying to make sure that life carries on as normal for Farmer Brown and that he has opportunity to sleep during the day when he comes in for his breaks, make sure that he has meals when he is hungry and that he has a good nights sleep.
Unfortunately this time I had had enough. I have been pretty much coping on my own, with help from 1 or 2 close friends. It feels like I am bringing up 2 children. My baby girl and my Farmer Brown.
I was really angry when he told me he wanted to kill himself. Especially when the night before he had been looking after our little girl while was on night shift (I am a Volunteer Ambulance Officer). Immediately my concern was for the safety of our little girl. Could I trust him to look after her? Would he do anything to hurt her? Would I have to give up my volunteer work?
Don't worry I did check to make sure he was safe too! But my baby girl comes first now. She is little and can't defend or look after herself, she needs me to be that for her. Over the next couple of days his mood was crap. He said he had been up to "talk" to his Mum about things. I asked if he had told her that he wanted to kill himself and he said sort of. What the hell? You either do or don't. There is no middle ground on this.
I decided to take matters into my own hands again. I rang my GP and made an appointment to seek advice on what to do with Farmer Brown. I went up to see my mother inlaw and put her in the picture. She didn't know that he wanted to kill himself. All he had said to her (he was picking up baby girl from his Mums as I was on night shift) was that he was tired and that there was no dinner ready for him when he came in from milking! FUCK ME! I am sorry to say but at that moment I wanted to kill him myself! My mother inlaw is fantastic, don't get me wrong. She does however have a strong grip on the apron strings with her boys. Let me put it this way...her 44 year old other son is still living at home! I told her what was really going on and she was to put it mildly - shocked. She had no idea what had been going on for the past 6 months or so.
My GP was fantastic and suggested that Farmer Brown make an appointment with her as she has training in psycology and that she should be able to get him some extra help. We had an appointment for the next day, which I attended also. She was brilliant. He felt that she listened to him and gave him suggestions that he thought would be great. She referred him back to Community Mental Health and also gave him 6 free sessions at our local Counselling Centre down town.
This appointment happened to fall on our first weekend off in 2 months, which was great timing. He had a great weekend, shopping, eating out, watching dvds and even some time to himself for a bit. Things have been pretty good for the past 2 weeks, but man it has taken its toll on me thats for sure.
The appointment with Mental Health was today. I was supposed to go with him, but baby girl had other plans and so I had to stay home with her and he went on his own. This of course wouldn't do him any harm. Didn't help that I was having a bad day of my own and was in a grumpy mood.
The appointment sort of back fired on me. The lovely people at Mental Health said it would be great for him to have more time to himself when he gets in those deep depressive periods. For fucks sake, I look after baby girl enough on my own without him needing to have more time on his own! What about me? Don't mean to be selfish and make it all about me but really people WTF? They told him that every job has its ups and downs and that he needs to learn ways to cope with it when it happens. Of course this is just he version of the appointment so I don't know how accurate all of this new information is. He has his first counselling session on Wednesday. Will be interesting to see what they have to say.
I am just over it. Everyone is making sure that he is okay and looked after. I however just continue to struggle on by myself. Like I said I have a fantastic friend who is about the only one who has been keeping an eye on me and baby girl and making sure that we are doing okay.
I really want him to take some action and sort some of this shit out. We have come up with strategies before but he never carries them out. Mother inlaw always manages to turn him back to staying on the farm with a little bit of emotional blackmail to nail the point home. I don't think he realised how lucky he is or how sweet he has it. Since we had baby it seems like his life had just carried on like before we had her and mine has changed dramatically.
I know we will be sweet in the end. I want him to own his problems and try to do something about about it instead of hiding behind others and making rash statements like him wanting to kill himself. This is so stressfull to deal with. I see people at the wrong end of statements like that in my Ambulance work. Quite frankly I don't want to come home to find a dead body! I don't think he would do it, but how do you really know?! He tells me that he won't kill himself, but do I believe him? Like I said it is not the first time but the third time he has said that to me.
Will keep chugging along and doing what I do. I will be interested to see how the appointment with the counsellor goes on Wednesday :)
Now my husband does have Bi Polar and is on good medication that generally works really well for him. He has an injection of medication once a month that is slow releasing. Sometimes I notice that his mood seems to dip in that last week of the month but its normally no biggy as he is due for his next injection in a day or so and life returns to normal. He seems to go through these boughts of deep depression every 2-3 months.
We live and work on his parents dairy farm. Farming is a very demanding job as you work 7 days a week and up to 14 hours a day. Now during calving season (which we have just finished) we have no time off for 2 months until calving is almost done and dusted. So as you can imagine it can be rather stressful for all of us.
When these periods of deep depression come around I am normally able to build him up and help him cope and see a way out of the current situation. We have even talked about leaving the farm and getting work in town.
We of course had our first child last year. She will be 1 year old next month. Now this is just another set of challenges to have to deal with. I am a stay at home mum with our little one, but she will be going to day care around her birthday next month. I know that this has caused stress to both of us at times as having a first child does. I mean to say then don't come with an instruction manual! I of course have taken the lead in looking after our baby girl. I work hard at trying to make sure that life carries on as normal for Farmer Brown and that he has opportunity to sleep during the day when he comes in for his breaks, make sure that he has meals when he is hungry and that he has a good nights sleep.
Unfortunately this time I had had enough. I have been pretty much coping on my own, with help from 1 or 2 close friends. It feels like I am bringing up 2 children. My baby girl and my Farmer Brown.
I was really angry when he told me he wanted to kill himself. Especially when the night before he had been looking after our little girl while was on night shift (I am a Volunteer Ambulance Officer). Immediately my concern was for the safety of our little girl. Could I trust him to look after her? Would he do anything to hurt her? Would I have to give up my volunteer work?
Don't worry I did check to make sure he was safe too! But my baby girl comes first now. She is little and can't defend or look after herself, she needs me to be that for her. Over the next couple of days his mood was crap. He said he had been up to "talk" to his Mum about things. I asked if he had told her that he wanted to kill himself and he said sort of. What the hell? You either do or don't. There is no middle ground on this.
I decided to take matters into my own hands again. I rang my GP and made an appointment to seek advice on what to do with Farmer Brown. I went up to see my mother inlaw and put her in the picture. She didn't know that he wanted to kill himself. All he had said to her (he was picking up baby girl from his Mums as I was on night shift) was that he was tired and that there was no dinner ready for him when he came in from milking! FUCK ME! I am sorry to say but at that moment I wanted to kill him myself! My mother inlaw is fantastic, don't get me wrong. She does however have a strong grip on the apron strings with her boys. Let me put it this way...her 44 year old other son is still living at home! I told her what was really going on and she was to put it mildly - shocked. She had no idea what had been going on for the past 6 months or so.
My GP was fantastic and suggested that Farmer Brown make an appointment with her as she has training in psycology and that she should be able to get him some extra help. We had an appointment for the next day, which I attended also. She was brilliant. He felt that she listened to him and gave him suggestions that he thought would be great. She referred him back to Community Mental Health and also gave him 6 free sessions at our local Counselling Centre down town.
This appointment happened to fall on our first weekend off in 2 months, which was great timing. He had a great weekend, shopping, eating out, watching dvds and even some time to himself for a bit. Things have been pretty good for the past 2 weeks, but man it has taken its toll on me thats for sure.
The appointment with Mental Health was today. I was supposed to go with him, but baby girl had other plans and so I had to stay home with her and he went on his own. This of course wouldn't do him any harm. Didn't help that I was having a bad day of my own and was in a grumpy mood.
The appointment sort of back fired on me. The lovely people at Mental Health said it would be great for him to have more time to himself when he gets in those deep depressive periods. For fucks sake, I look after baby girl enough on my own without him needing to have more time on his own! What about me? Don't mean to be selfish and make it all about me but really people WTF? They told him that every job has its ups and downs and that he needs to learn ways to cope with it when it happens. Of course this is just he version of the appointment so I don't know how accurate all of this new information is. He has his first counselling session on Wednesday. Will be interesting to see what they have to say.
I am just over it. Everyone is making sure that he is okay and looked after. I however just continue to struggle on by myself. Like I said I have a fantastic friend who is about the only one who has been keeping an eye on me and baby girl and making sure that we are doing okay.
I really want him to take some action and sort some of this shit out. We have come up with strategies before but he never carries them out. Mother inlaw always manages to turn him back to staying on the farm with a little bit of emotional blackmail to nail the point home. I don't think he realised how lucky he is or how sweet he has it. Since we had baby it seems like his life had just carried on like before we had her and mine has changed dramatically.
I know we will be sweet in the end. I want him to own his problems and try to do something about about it instead of hiding behind others and making rash statements like him wanting to kill himself. This is so stressfull to deal with. I see people at the wrong end of statements like that in my Ambulance work. Quite frankly I don't want to come home to find a dead body! I don't think he would do it, but how do you really know?! He tells me that he won't kill himself, but do I believe him? Like I said it is not the first time but the third time he has said that to me.
Will keep chugging along and doing what I do. I will be interested to see how the appointment with the counsellor goes on Wednesday :)
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