The Joys of Living with Someone Who has Bi Polar

So today is one of those days where I just wish I could shut the door and tell everyone to Feek Off and leave me the hell alone.

I don't often speak out about Farmer Brown having Bi Polar. However of late you may have noticed that things have been amping up again. I have found in the past that when I have things going around and around in my head the best way to deal with them is to write them down and then things seem to settle down a bit for me.

First of all I want to stress how much I do love Farmer Brown. He told me about his Bi Polar on our second date. I knew what I was taking on when I met him. Lord know I have dark demons in my past too and he was happy for take me on warts and all too. Love you Farmer Brown. I want to help him so much. I am trying to be careful of not overloading him with information. I don't want to push him over the edge. But if he wants change then he needs to take the action.

He will be attending the 3rd counselling session on Wednesday this week. I ask him how things are going and says "fine". I understand if he doesn't want to tell me but I do want him to know that I am interested in what he is doing. He told me he has homework to do each week. He has been asked to write in a notebook each day 3 things that he has achieved. Last week he came home and said this week he has to come up with 3 long term goals. I asked him if he thinks the counselling is helping and he said he thinks so.

We have just finished the 2nd weekend of weekends off. It was our turn to milk while Farmer Brown's brother had the weekend off. I milk Fri/Sat/Sun afternoons and we have a relief milker Sat/Sun mornings. Farmer Brown has to get up earlier than usual as he has to get the cows out of the paddock, get fences sorted and put some feed out in the feed pad before the relief milker turns up at 5am. Like I said this is only the 2nd weekend of doing this and already he is struggling with the tiredness.

I just don't know the answer anymore. We talk about solutions to the problems that he faces and he agrees with what we talk about but he never seems to want to act on any of them. I know this is hard for him to do as it would mean that there would possibly be some massive changes for him to make. But unfortunately change does have to happen sometimes inorder for things to get better. I guess you really need to ask how much you really want to get out of the situation you find yourself in.

We talk about leaving the farm and getting new jobs in town. This would mean that we would loose the house we currently live in as it would go to the farm worker who would take his place. He gets all excited about looking at buying a house. Checking out what we can afford to buy and how we would pay for it. We look through the papers, do drive buys etc but we never get to the Open Homes or anything further than that. Then the conversation turns back around to comments like "its's just too hard" or "how am I going to find another job at my age" or "how can we afford to buy a house and live away from the farm" etc.

I have been trying to get him to come up with solutions. To be quite honest I am sick of having to make all the decisions around here. I will ask a question like this: "So what do you feel like for dinner? I am happy to cook anything you want". Reply: "Oh just whatever you want". My reply: "Cool peanut butter on toast it is then". That normally envokes a reaction of some sort.

Anyway while we were milking yesterday I came up with a plan. Well my latest plan for our family anyway. A plan that would mean that we wouldn't have to leave the farm or by a house. I suggested that I take over the farm work. I did work for a year on the farm as a labourer so I know how to do most things that Farmer Brown does. Anything I don't know I am sure that I can be taught and shown what to do. Then he could get a job down town. Maybe at RD1 or PPG Wrightsons or with the Vet or the Supermarket or the Petrol Station, his imagination is his limitation. All he has to do is look.
This would mean that he could get away from here, which seems to some of the problem. He would be able to work shorter hours and maybe not even work on the weekends. If we were on 2 incomes then we would be able to put Holly into daycare fulltime, so that is her sorted out. Farmer Brown's family can step in and help out too as far as I am concerned. It would mean that I may have to give up or take a leave of absence from the Ambulance work. I am willing to do this for the sake of my family. Family is about sacrifice, I can deal with that.

So we will wait and see what comes of this latest plan. I have sown the seed. He is the one who doesn't like the way things are so now it is up to him to help himself. So far all I have heard today is how tired he is, how Grandad (his father) is moaning and complaing about things that need to be done on the farm. Bla bla bla same shit different day!

Hence my first comment of: Feek off everyone and leave me the hell alone!

There is other stuff going on at the moment, but am saving that for another post!